College

It's 5:30am and I have two tests in the morning. Clearly this means it's time for my first blog post in 6 months. Nothing like pointless exposition in the face of desperation.

I'm not really sure what I want to write about. I've gone past the stage of caring about what whoever actually reads this thinks about what I'm writing (sorry, I try to have the mindset that this is more for me than for you- it keeps me from being self-conscious about what I say), so there's no good reason for me to be at such a loss. But I am. Do I want to try to talk about the last 6 months? The last two years? 4? 18? Maybe just the last week. The last day. The last 4 hours. Do I even want to work chronologically? Is that what this is, a convoluted, wordy, overly dramatic timetable for the past? Or maybe I want something completely different, maybe I want to focus on general opinions and stances, feelings and philosophies. Maybe this is a place for my rants and rambles, not the mundane happenings of my day to day life. That certainly sounds more interesting to write- but will it really be in the long run? I'm constantly telling myself that I need to do everything in my power to help myself remember the past- take more photos, write more journal entries, save more mementos, keep in touch with people- clearly what I want is a calendar to look back over. And yet when I think of focusing on that, I'm tempted to close this window and go back to my classic Doctor Who viewing. Sometimes I don't even understand my own opinions until I try to type them out- just the act of putting them into characters on a screen fleshes them out and makes me see the cracks and flaws in a point I previously thought indestructible. Obviously what I should do is both- spend time writing down the day to day business that I want to look back on and remember and also take time to rant and ramble as I see fit. But if I don't have the patience to update more than once every few days at best, am I really going to have the patience to spend twice as long on that update cramming all of that in?

Now that I actually think about it, quite possibly. After all, I've wasted all this time on this entirely useless train of thought. But maybe it does touch on something that does more than steal precious seconds of people's lives in the reading of it- what do I value more, the intellectual pursuit of honing my own ideas/principles/theories/rantable topics etc. or my ability to hold on to my memories for perusal at a later date? Would the latter lead to any more than pointless hours wrapped up in Nostalgia? Can I actually get enough out of arguing with myself that taking the time to type it out is worth the time and effort? I guess I will have to put those last two thoughts on hold, lest I decide I've just spent a great deal of time in an excercise in futility.
But there is something to think about in the past versus the present- what is my life? Is it an MMORPG, do I exist for the sake of endless advancement higher and higher levels? Or is my life like Shadow of the Colossus, where I exist for the sake of returning to the things I've done with unlocked ite- er, new experiences under my belt? You can tell how long I've been pent up in my apartment by how geeky my metaphors get.

Speaking of which, I will transition into something completely different: living alone. It's weird. It's fantastic, it's horrible, but mostly it's weird. However, in an effort to force myself to focus on the positive, I will make a list of things that are awesome about it:

• No one is ever in the bathroom.
• Baking at 3:00am in nothing but boxers.
• Doing anything at 3:00am.
• Doing anything at any time in just boxers. Well, or less, but I haven't quite sunk to that yet thank you.
• Knowing that what you put down will stay there until it decomposes.
• The above applying to food purchased- if my peanut butter cups are missing, it's because I ate them.
• Being able to have anyone over at any time to do anything.
• Not having to deal with anyone's mess but your own.
• Making all the rules.
• Nothing about your daily life in your home that doesn't involve loud noises or odors intense enough to pass through walls can make anyone annoyed with you.

There are of course things that I do not enjoy (The lurking, evergrowing loneliness, the expense, the need to be completely responsible), but focusing on the positive stuff makes them seem less bad.

I miss Seattle. I miss it a lot. If you are in Seattle, I miss you a great deal. College is fine- I could not ask for finer people than Gabe and Kayla to help me through it, but reaching out to people is insanely difficult (especially when your initial attempts elicit awkward responses that make you afraid to try again because you're paranoid about that sort of thing) and generally appears to be hardly worth the stress and effort. I hate to say it, but frankly one of the biggest players in me not going insane has been television. Not crappy TV, but good stuff with actual plotlines and real acting like House and Doctor Who (Doctor Who deserves its own post, and will probably get one soon if I actually continue to update this thing). Kind of an unhealthy dependence, and certainly not one that's conducive to effective study habits (It's now 6:20 and I still need to study... and leave in two hours). I'm starting to work music back into my life, starting with the complete Muse discography. It was really influential during the summer while I was driving, so much that when I first came up here it kind of... hurt to listen to, the emotional reaction to the stuff I was into was so strong.

I've also taken up Kingdom of Loathing again, which is yet another delightful way to waste your time. I have a Turtle Tamer and a Pastamancer.

Well, I should get studying, so that I don't... you know. Fail. and stuff. I'll update more later, perhaps.