Torrents suck.

I am a TV show addict. I am only even updating this because I have about 6 minutes left until my next episode of Heroes finishes downloading. I seriously cannot watch an even mildly good show without getting totally hooked on it. First Queer as Folk, then Lost, then Desperate Housewives, and now House and Heroes. I watched all three seasons of House in two weeks. I will have watched the entire first season of heroes in less than two days. I have to stop, but I have more lined up! I still need to see Weeds, The Riches, Scrubs... not to mention all the anime I need to catch up on. No, it's not want, it's a need. I cannot handle the idea of not knowing what happens next. It's like a great book- once I get started there is nothing stopping me until I'm done. I think I need help.

In lighter news, I have finally decided what I'm going to do with college. I am going to defer from Western for one year. I am going to do the programming... program at Central, then transfer somewhere. Maybe Western, Maybe the U, maybe even Seattle U. I know I still want to do psychology (lately I've been considering legal psychology), but I need at least one more year in Seattle and I want to do this programming stuff too.

Shit. My episode torrent slowed down to a crawl. I dunno how much longer I can wait...

This quarter has been... off to a rocky start. I'm behind already, but catching up. Taking an intro to programming class, environmental science online, and statistics. I think my statistics class has me do more stuff on the computer than my programming class, it's kind of ridiculous.

Hooray, the speed is back up!

I see Rylan and Paul tomorrow. It's certainly been awhile- far too long. They are a big part of why I want to stay, I really need to reconnect. I've only got one more year I can be sure we'll all be in the same place, and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste it like I've wasted the past few.

and now it's down. Maybe I should just go to bed...

Reading more and playing videogames less would probably be good for me. God of War and Golden Sun are just so... fun, it's hard. This post has probably meandered enough now.

I do way too much theater.

Mr Bingley has dropped out of Pride and Prejudice, so I have spent the last two days calling every theater kid I know to see if they want to do it. I really hate the guilty let down speech. I'm not trying to pressure you into it, you can say no!

I managed to pass the two classes I didn't get the take home finals done for, so I will be getting an AA. Hooray! I also got into Western, although I'm not sure if I'll go. I'm really liking the idea of staying at Central a few more quarters to do certification stuff for an IT job before I go off to real college. Although it would be fun to get away from Seattle for a year... I am very torn, I guess. I still have time to decide.

I think Pride and Prejudice is going to simultaneously maintain and undermine my sanity for the coming quarter.

I want it to be senior show time.

Hmm.

I hate my job in Halcyon Days, but I love the show and Sean. I still need to get preshow and a curtain call for it, but that shouldn't be too hard with all night at the internet. I'm both excited and ready to get it the hell over with.

My kitty is so snuggly. I will never be able to live without cats.

Zoe's birthday party was lovely. It's always fun to talk to people you don't expect to. I wish my post-party shenanigans had not fallen through, but I think tomorrow night will work. I'm sad, but not too terribly bent out of shape.

Waves of love to Kaya, if she reads this. I hope you are rested and better.

Still obsessed with that band. I have their CD if anyone wants it.

Time for a walk, I think. Come to my play!

Family Parties

can actually be fun. All it takes is a vodka tonic right off the bat. and not putting up with shit, apparently. I will miss my cousin while she is in California.

I've been very lost the past couple days, as always after the end of the quarter (and the whole massive crash and burn at the end has helped a lot). Birthday party tomorrow though! I love birthday parties. How can you not have fun?

Halcyon Days is a... challenge. I will not be sad at all to put it to rest. It's a great show though, you all should see it. Bathhouse, next two saturdays at 2:00 and sundays at 7:00. I'm not in it, but my voice is (sadly- don't do voiceovers while sick).

God walking at night is so awesome. As long as your coat is comfy and your music good, it's easily the best time of day for it. I will go do that now.

I have always wondered what it felt like to give up.

There is less relief than I had hoped there would be. It just feels sort of icky and sad, like a stomache flu that you just want to go away.

Oh well. Life goes on.

School

should end after junior year. But no one should tell anyone until the year ends. We have to keep pretending as a society that there IS a senior year, or it won't work. Because, see, if you're never actually a senior, you can't get senioritus. I think that would be a wonderful gift to give future generations.

I sort of have to wonder (given how long it's been) if anyone will actually read this.

It is 4:46 AM as I type these words, yay insomnia. I wanted to go to bed earlier, because I was sick this morning, but I spent so much time sleeping today that I had to get out. I went on a walk, which turned into going to Katie's house to talk and watch TV. There's something very freeing about walking around at night. Also, the movie American Pie (even if it was the crappy TV edit) will always hold a very special place in my heart. Thank you, Jake and Alex, for broadening my third grade mind.

I sort of want to try to recap what has been going on the past few months, but that sounds boring. I've basically just done far too much theater and not nearly enough schoolwork. I can't help but try to milk this year for all it's worth, because it's the last for many things.

That's ir probably enough for now. I have papers to write and Halcyon Days sound to do.

I kept telling myself I would do something special for my hundreth post,

and now it's almost March. Bad call, perhaps. Hi.

And then it was over.

I never thought that I would miss these kids so much. And it's only been like an hour, good grief. Easily the best of the BXPEs. If I can't work on this play next year in some form I'm going to have to kill someone who can and impersonate them.

We're gonna rock, maul, pillage and burn, we're gonna rock-maul-pillage-and-burn- EAT THE BABIES.

I never thought I would say this, but I think I'm starting to love warm-ups. Maybe it was the kids, but I actually enjoyed that ridiculous "Ooh, I feel so good" 'game'. Nothing like being able to count to 39 as a group with your eyes closed and no overlap.

We're gonna rock, maul, pillage and burn, we're gonna rock-maul-pillage-and-burn- EAT THE BABIES.

I've also started to enjoy singing. After singing through American Pie and Be A Man and Joy to the World god knows how many times in the boys dressing room, it's gone beyond silly rituals to something I actually look forward to and like doing.

We're gonna rock, maul, pillage and burn, we're gonna rock-maul-pillage-and-burn- EAT THE BABIES.

I have taken more than 400 photos and several videos with my camera in the past few days. Theater people are wonderfully photogenic. Ian can jump very, very high.

We're gonna rock, maul, pillage and burn, we're gonna rock-maul-pillage-and-burn- EAT THE BABIES.

I can't wait for this summer. I hopefully will be working full time as production manager for the summer youth program, which means seeing a lot more of a lot of wonderful people. Life can be awesome, sometime. Also, Merry Christmas, Happy (Hanukkah/Chanukah), Jolly Kwanzaa, Mirthful Solstice, or whatever floats your spiritual boat.

We're gonna rock, maul, pillage and burn, we're gonna rock-maul-pillage-and-burn- EAT THE BABIES.

As we go on...

I just watched this video of a mediocre pop song from the turn of the century. I've always been a sucker for a catchy chorus, and this song is no exception- it was one of those songs that I secretly loved to listen to back in fifth grade (the ones that were too gay to tell anyone I liked). But there has always been something in this song that really... resonated with me (or at least, more than say "hit me baby one more time" or "Happy boys and happy girls we'll be"). Something about that bittersweet "almost-happy tears" feeling felt so overpoweringly right, I never really questioned it.

Listening to it now, though, has made me realize a few things that are kind of embarrassing to admit were uncovered by a Vitamin C song. It's been well established that I am a terribly nostalgic person. I think it was because I spent so long at Pacific Crest and loved it so much that my first major change in life was overwhelmingly sudden and painful. I never learned how to deal with change, so I've never been able to cope well with it. I don't accept it and move on, I wrap myself in it like freshly laundered sheet. The extent of my nostalgia is sort of frightening. I think about plays I've done and want more than anything to go back and do them again. I remember fun things that happened in classes and regret everything I didn't do to preserve those moments. I curse myself again and again for habitually blocking out bad memories, because I know I have lost parts of my life forever. Which touches on the point of this- the inspiration for all this consideration- I have realized what makes me so nostalgic: I don't think about the past in terms of the experiences I have had, I think of the experiences that I will never get to experience again. I think of the past as something that's been lost, not something that I've lived.

I have told myself many times over the past year and 3 months how much I hate highschool. I have told a lot of people, in fact. I hated my grade, I hated a lot of my curriculum, I hated the social climate of highschool, I hated the standardization and teacher-turned-babysitters. In many ways, all of that is true. But there is something about the school experience, something about the drama, something about being with your friends (and people who are not so much your friends) so often for so long that is kind of magical. The shared hatred of bad teachers, the blessed reprieve of field trips, the bonding, the unbonding, the fights and the making-up, the ridiculous relationships, the embarrassing presentations, the easy As, the near-failures, those rare moments where you talk yourself up (or down) a grade- so much of it can be sort of amazing. Not Christmas-morning amazing, or 16th birthday amazing, but that kind of special amazing that isn't necessarily good. The sweet at the end of the bitter (bittersweet. Get it? Isn't that a clever play on words?). My first two years of highschool were full of that. I have more memories of that than I will ever have of running start, or anything besides probably The Bathhouse. I think in many ways I stole two years of that from myself. I got nervous about a few things and ducked out early. Oh, I've certainly learned far more at Central than I would have at Center. I've taken some amazing courses, and really gone a long ways towards figuring out what I want to do with my life. But seeing people at school today- giving Ellie and Chloe and Kayla big hugs, talking to Travis for the first time in far too long, even pounding Keynan (who I still regret never really bonding with), I realize the things I've missed out on. The things that, I am realizing, I sort of stole from myself. I didn't see people, I hardly kept in contact where I did at all, I left behind interests, I reverted to my old bad study habits... I went into a sort of stasis in regard to everything before seattle central. I didn't break anything off, I just pretended it didn't exist. And all of the Nostalgia of this is just starting to hit me. I am getting senioritus, and I have yet to turn in a college application. If I could go back, I would still make the choice to do running start. I think it was the right thing for my to do for my education and for my betterment as a human being. But I have just realized how fair of a trade it really is. I think it's time to reconnect.

Stupid song.

So.

I had forgotten how great of a movie Caddyshack is. I watched the first half of it with Abbey saturday. Which, of course, is no longer yesterday, as I wanted to say. I shouldn't stay up this late.

Life is sort of a haze right now. I'm cutting out a lot of the videogames for the moment, so maybe that will help things a bit.

The Miser will be good, I think. A lot will depend on how well we pull through this week.

All of my "weekly plans" keep falling apart. I think I might be sabataging them unconsciously. Don't let me.

I am oficially the Archduke of Nostalgia. Life needs to move at about 1/4 speed. Also, I need several time machines and to be linked via hive-mind to a fleet of clones.

I love listening to the awful music I used to listen to. Ahh, Yellowcard... my first concert.

I love the rain. I think I'll go take a walk in it.

I am putting off homework.

You should go watch this little video if you haven't already, because it's sort of amazing.

I just found my sand crab while searching for working headphones.

I haven't listened to music in more than one year since yesterday morning, and it is driving me insane.

Yeesh.

I can't seem to sleep anymore. It's not that I can't physically fall asleep, it's that I have absolutely no desire to do so. It seems like such a waste of time, when there are so many things I could be enjoying. You would be amazed how much sway that feeling can hold when I get tired. Which is kind of funny, because in a way that makes it "I'm tired, so I can't sleep."


Which leaves me at 6:00 in the morning, unrested. With nothing to do but continue not to sleep. Goodnight?

Things and stuff

So, my abnormal psych teacher graded our test a different way than I thought he was going to. So instead of something in the 50%s as I was expecting (technially I would have gotten about a 59%), I got an 83%. Woo!

Ansalm (that maybe be spelled wrong, but I don't really care), my part in The Miser, is starting to become interesting. I'm really glad I got a smaller part, I missed backstage time greatly during MacBeth.

I may not even be able to apply for thriftway now, because when BXPE starts I may not be able to work at all. But we'll see.

I'm on track for my AA! Yay! But I can't transfer to the Homeschool Resource Center! Boo! I'm hoping Nova will accept me. If not... I guess there's always Ballard...

You should all check out this video (just click whichever side you want on the page). It's very... enlightening.

I still play too much World of Warcraft.

Goodnight.

Actual Post

Before I begin, Bathhouse folks, coffee this week is at El Diablo on Queen Anne (at 11:00am, as always). Location info found here.

So, school has started. Abnormal Psych is nice. Seeing Edmund and Charlotte in the morning is fun, even if I'm too groggy and caught up in the lectures to really take advantage of that. The professor has been aptly described by Charlotte as "adorkable." The class is very... manageable. 3 tests and a group presentation. Intro to Sociology doesn't seem like it's going to be quite as interesting as I hoped, but that's probably just because I like all my other classes so much. If I were at least 5 years older, I would have a crush on my professor. Except when he says "so-shee-aul-oh-gee" instead of "so-see-aul-oh-gee." Piano is easy. I have relearned basic chords and note names. Being in the advanced section is still easy. Tomorrow I decide if I take private lessons too. Stat is wonderful, because I have my awesome professor from developmental psych and it's small and super-chill. This is probably the best quarter I've had so far.

Being sick has left me very mellow. Veeerrrry mellow.
I'm enjoying my current sugar-low more than I enjoyed the high.

I've finally started seriously reading again. I think I'm going back to my geek roots. Before you know it I'll be playing magic cards again.

I learned how to make fancy pizza with Kayla today. We're going to have a pizza party.
Someday.

I still haven't had my birthday party. I'm fearing it is never going to happen at this point, and that makes me very sad. The same goes for my Thirftway job application- it's all filled out, but I just can't seem to get it turned in. Many things like this irk me of late.

I hate it when people don't at least move animals they hit to the side of the road. My dad and I found an enormous beautiful raccoon in the middle of Gillman when we were coming home. We put him under a tree in discovery park.

I have a fancy purple toe-wrap and anklet. I fear what will happen when the novocaine wears off. One can only take so much Tylenol.

I miss my camera a lot.

I play too much World of Warcraft.

As I rationalize and describe the nuances of my daily life to the quazi-public eye, I cannot help but wonder: why?


I have spent most of the past two days playing videogames and deciding not to do things. I wonder if there is a correlation. If I become a research psychologist, maybe I'll perform a double-blind study on that.

Rantings and Recap

Shopping is surprisingly tolerable, when the company is good. Abbey has very sexy new boots. Kaya a very pretty dress, and Gabe a replacement Lip Smackers (for the one I destroyed).

Desperate Housewives continues to be amazing. I have now watched 16 episodes, and I cannot wait to see more.

Plans falling through sucks.

Katt and I went on an adventure on friday. We walked over to discovery park, and had a fairly mundane but pleasant stroll until at the lookout we decided to go down to the beach. But we didn't use just any route- no, we were feeling rebellious and wild and needed to go over the side of the sand dunes. There's a nice steep, sandy, winding little path/slide down it. It's where all the drunk teenagers go. At the bottom, there is a tiny little trail that winds through the dense woodland, and eventually down to the beach. When the tide is out. When the tide is in, the main trail ends abruptly with nowhere to go. The tide was, of course, in. So, we wandered back along a side path, and found this amazing little open space in the brush filled with tiny rivulets and logs bridging them. It was one of those amazing places that reverts you back to your 7 year old self, making you want to build forts and climb trees and dig lakes in the miniscule streams or create intricate damming systems just to watch the water flow in different ways. After getting in touch with our inner children, Katt and I decided to follow along (in) the stream, just to see where it could take us. As luck would have it, before long we found a short drop off (with some roots to aid climbing) right down to fair-sized hill of sand and then the beach. I had the fortune to try the route down with sand too lightly packed to support a human being at the bottom, and ended up sliding down the entire hill to the beach in a dusty mess. The tide was in too far to get all the way back to the path up from the beach along the beach, so we also got the pleasure of wading through a cesspool of thick, nasty, sludgy seaweed. It felt like walking through a lake of feces. We made friends with some folks who had taken more or less the same route as us, and headed home. We saw a couple carrying a massive machete, covered in what could have been blood, but was probably blackberry juice (given the number of blackberries they were carrying).

I got a ton of sand in my cell phone and camera while going down the dune, messing up the sound on first and more or less ruining the second. The lens is jammed and can't close, and it won't start up right. Luckily, my parents got the complete super no questions asked year and a half warranty, so I can take it in and get it fixed for free. Just, no pictures for a little while.

Katie came over after Katt left, and Jayke joined us for awhile. Much Desperate Housewives was watched, and it was still a lot of fun despite having already seen all but the last episode of it with Kaya and Gabe. We also went stargazing, which was as awesome as always. I stayed up until like 9:30, when I crawled up to bed and slept until 2:00, when my slightly annoyed brother brought me my cell phone, which had been called a total of thirteen times by Gabe and Kaya (and my home phone had been called another 3. In retrospect, I don't know why my brother didn't answer it). I think they were mad at me for sleeping that late, which is silly because I sleep in until 2:00 all the time, when I can. Granted, I would have slept in until 4:00 or 5:00 had I not been woken, but even so. My sleeping patterns are my own. I guess I can understand why they wanted to get ahold of me so badly, since the sleepover that we had planned could no longer be done and our only choice was to hang out during the day, but we couldn't hang out during the day anyway since I had no ride until later and Kaya didn't want to drive anywhere and Gabe couldn't even get a ride to her house anyway. I was in position to follow along with the original plan (Gabe had suggested going over to his house at like 7:00ish), and be perfectly rested for it and ready for an overnight, and that's all that matters. I felt bad that I couldn't accommodate the changes, but neither could they.

Huh, I hadn't realized that was bothering me that much.

I've resubscribed to World of Warcrack. I'm sick of all my other games, and want something to do when I'm not otherwise busy.

I just paused from writing this to read several theories on how the world could end any day now. I think it's time for bed.

And then suddenly, in a fit of emotions and activity

Macbeth was over. Two amazing performances, a wild, crazy, difficult, awkward, wonderful cast party and suddenly my days are free and my weekends free-er. No more witches witching, no more killing Young Siward or getting killed by MacDuff, no more Lady MacBeth tempting me to murder, no more Malcom raising my sword, no more assassinations or Blood Boltered Banquos or screaming children or awkward speaches to the king or getting to demand "blood me!" or anything. It's all done, a thing of the past to be reminisced about at parties and secretly cried over in front of pages of photos five or ten years down the line. Like Twelfth Night, As You, Midsummer, and all the rest. Except this was different. This wasn't just another play, this was my last summer Shakespeare show at the bathhouse. Ever. and that is both far sadder than and nowhere near as sad as I think it should be. Somehow.

Tonight we watched Kill Bill volumes one and two. It was fun to be around The Field again. My repartee needs a good deal of sharpening, but it will come back in time.

I start school in less than a month. I'd feel bad, but all of you start in like a week (or tomorrow), so I don't think I'm allowed to complain.

I love way too many people, and some of them I love way too much. Or maybe I've just learned to use love too lightly.

Update: and now my kitty stole all the blankets again. grr.

More and less of the same.

So here I am, once again, at 3:40 in the morning updating my blog because I'm too tired to go to bed. I should have gone to bed hours ago. I also should have lifted weights, read some of my book, and looked over my lines. But, as usual, I got roped up in some stupid game I told myself I wouldn't, and 4 hours later here I am.

I am having trouble committing to a band or playlist to listen to. I think it's time to leave my whole library on random and rediscover all my old music.

Yesterday was wonderful, my plans fell through and I spent the entire day reading my book.

Today Kaya came over with delicious scones. We watched 7 episodes of Desperate Housewives. I am still in awe of that show. We thought it was just going to be trash, but we were wrong. It wasn't just trash, it was AMAZING trash. It was fascinating murder mystery trash. We played a little bit of X Men Legends, but it was kind of slow and we didn't really get into it. We also left several messages on Gabe's cell phone. Gyros and Thomas Kemper. Hooray.

Gabe's care package is turning into a "We wanted to send you a care package but we're disorganized so have a welcome home gift". Fudge still needs to be made.

I am very afraid of this weekend. But more afraid of it ending. Where did the summer go? How can I just have three more performances and a cast party?

I need to buy my Mastadon and Dragonforce tickets. Speaking of which, does anyone wanna go to Dragonforce with me? Zoe can't.

Still lost. Still unsettled. Still determined and drifting. This is going to be a year of changes.
Or at least, it had better be.

Sleep? Pah! I have weights to lift.

Grr

Yesterday was fun. Snakes on a motherfucking plane was too gruesome, but I still enjoyed it. I bought some lovely fantasy book at Barnes and Noble, ate ice cream from Frans, and had a girly movie night. Yay Grey's Anatomy and Shakespeare In Love. Truth or dare. Beanie Baby army. Different and fun.

After the senior show meeting today I ended up going to Chloe's (with Kayla and later Travis). We wanted Just My Luck, but they were out so we got Silent Hill. I probably shouldn't have watched it. Horror movies put me in a dreadful mood. I'm all icky and creeped out and argh.

I feel unsettled. It's time to stop resisting the changes and start rolling with them. Parts of me have overstayed their welcome, and I'm ready to move on.




Hooray for dance pop.

Why am I not in bed?

Hoo boy. I don't even know where to begin. I have way too many things to talk about.

First, MacBeth. Holy jesus MacBeth. This is the most wonderfully terrifying play I've ever done. It's almost as difficult and scary as The Crucible, but fun and amazing to boot. It's probably not the closest-knit cast I've ever been in, but I love everyone at the Bathhouse so much that it doesn't matter. The play completely destroys me, and it's wonderful. Come see it next weekend. Friday at 7:00, Saturday at 2:00 and 7:00. At the Bathhouse, of course.

I hate being attracted to people. I really, really hate it. almost as much as I love it.

My photo taking slowed a bit, but only because I forgot to take my camera with me friday and yesterday. I am torn between wanting to share all of my photos with everyone and wanting to respect the privacy of the people they are mostly of. But oh well.

I've gone from a power metal binge to an awful pop music binge. Hooray for Britney Spears.


Now for the quazi-cryptic poorly phrased emo ranty crap part.

I feel like I'm drifting away from my non-theater friends. Maybe (hopefully!) that will change when I start seeing them every day at school again... but only a few are coming to running start with me. I dunno. I'm trying to keep in touch and find time to do non-theater things, but theater has been so all-consuming this summer... I just don't know. I feel awkward and awful. I'm in such a completely different place in my life than I was a year ago in every sense of the word... I don't know how to handle things anymore. My little comfort zone has blown away like a scarf in a tornado, and as wonderful as it is to be free to do whatever, it's frightening trying to deal with things sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like it's my job to give emotional support to people, and that if I try to take it I'm violating some unspoken contract. Or scared vow. Or being annoying.

Blah. Blah!